Extremely Last-Minute Gift Ideas for the Tired, Infuriated Feminist Who Has Everything
We’ve all got one in our lives. A mom/wife/partner/sister/daughter/ friend/aunt/boss/spin class instructor who’s impossible to shop for in a regular year. Throw in the events of 2020 (global pandemic, RBG’s death, 269 billion years of endured misogyny, etc.) and she’s not only hard to shop for, but extra stabby about it!
So whether you’re out of ideas, or the “I’ve got 99 problems and the white heteronormative patriarchy is basically all of them” mug you ordered won’t make it in time for Christmas, this list will have you on her somewhat tolerant side faster than you can say “Pantsuit Nation.”
• Listening: This holiday, give her the gift of non-interruption. I get that it’s hard, because you know so many things! But for instance, when a woman is telling you a story about RBG’s legacy while wearing a t-shirt printed with her dissent collar, try not to interrupt her story to explain what the collar means and why it’s important. Bonus points if you actually remember and acknowledge what she was talking about! (Hint, it was RBG.)
• Acknowledgement of Earned Titles: What’s three letters, takes years to accomplish, and merits an entire WSJ op-ed dedicated to dismissing it? A woman’s doctoral degree! This one’s so easy, because all you need to do is call her by the title she spent roughly $250,000 and 96 months earning, just like you would a man. Try it, and if you have a penis, I promise it will be just as adorably tiny as it was when you started.
• 6" Vermeer BV700XL Wood Chipper: A real splurge for your most rural angry feminist, you can’t go wrong with renting this pull-behind chipper for a few hours or a whole blissful weekend! It’s just the right size to accommodate everything from brambles to larger limbs, each representing significant milestones in her personal journey to making $.82 cents on the dollar. Feed in the organic material and the blades will pulverize even the hardest items as she laughs maniacally and makes “Fargo” references that you can’t hear over the roar of the diesel engine. You’ll probably assume she needs the 12-inch chipper, but the 6-incher does the job juuuust fine. Plus, it’s much easier to push around! The yard.
• A pillow to scream into. Down, organic latex, memory foam, the type doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you never complain how every single new movie seems to feature a powerful female lead. If you do, please choose memory foam because it suffocates better.
If only your tired, angry feminist was satisfied with a Winterberry + Defeat Scented Body Lotion Gift Set® like a normal woman, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But alas, this year was tough, and your gift recipient is tougher. So happy holidays, and best of luck! You’re going to need it.
